Jardín de las Mariposas, LGBTQ+ Migrant Shelter

Tijuana, Mexico

I grew up very sad. My father used to beat me because I think he knew I was always different: that I liked men. My father was a very homophobic man. The biggest pain that I carry till this day is that I never felt the love from my father. I ran away when I was 14 years old to escape his abuse and have taken care of myself since. Life has taken me through quite a strange but exciting journey. I have two daughters. They are my princesses. When their mother and I separated after seven years together, my daughters chose to stay with me. I knew that I wanted to be the father I never had, and loved my princesses with all my heart. After the separation, I started confronting my identity that I had hidden for so long. I decided to come out of the closet as bisexual. The first people that I told were my two daughters. They continued to love me regardless of my identity. 

During the day I presented as male, but on Saturday night I would dress in women’s clothes and go by the name Yessica. My own daughters would even help me with my makeup and outfit. I would go out to a bar near the central market where I lived and worked. My friends and community supported me and celebrated me when I would show up as Yessica. Even the bar owner loved it when I went because I loved to dance and the patrons were always entertained when I was there. I think some men were in love with me! I would flirt with them and even the owner wanted to hire me as a regular entertainer, but I already had my job as a butcher. I didn’t want to stay out too long! 

One night, while I was dancing in the bar, entertaining the patrons, a man who I had never seen before, was staring at me all night. He started harassing me, calling me a slut and saying that I should be killed. I didn’t know him! I stayed calm, but the patrons at the bar listened to the barbaric things he said to me and began defending me. “I have a community!” I exclaimed. The man started harassing the other bar patrons for defending me and started calling them faggots, and in a blink of an eye a group of them had pinned the man down to the floor and started beating him up. I told them to stop and demanded they just kick him out but not hurt him. I felt like it was my fault and I don’t even like violence, it wasn't something I would've condoned. As they threw him out, he made threats to end my life. I felt very scared. Death threats in my country are to be taken seriously, I didn't know the man and his level of malice. 

A few days later, my boss at the butcher shop told me to be careful because a strange man with tattoos was asking around the market for me. I entered a panic and started having nightmares that I was going to be murdered. After several weeks of being in a state of panic, I talked to my daughters about what was happening and we decided it was best I leave the country and go somewhere where I could finally be able to express myself without fear or danger. My daughters were already grown up and independent but it was very painful to say goodbye.

I crossed from Honduras to Guatemala by riding on the back of a truck with other migrants heading North to the border. I met a boy in the Casa del Migrante in Tecun, Guatemala. He was alone and was also trying to cross the border into Mexico. The shelter director suggested we try to cross together to not be alone in the process. She wrote us a letter stating we were going to Tapachula to begin our asylum request in COMAR. This helped because we stopped by immigration agents but were able to pass because we had the document stating our purpose. She also gave me the number of a trans girl who was also in Tapachula, awaiting her documents from COMAR. I contacted the girl and she offered to let me stay in her room while I waited to file my complaint with COMAR. 

I was in Tapachula for three months waiting for my card. My money ran out so I started to look for work. It was really hard for me to find work in Tapachula. People were only looking to hire Mexicans. I was desperate for money and felt ashamed to ask for help, so I downloaded Grindr and tried to find work using my body. One night I met a client. He picked me up in his car and we started being sexual. He forced me to use drugs to receive my payment. He threatened me and said that nothing bad would happen to me. I froze up, I couldn’t think clearly at that moment and he injected me with something I didn’t know. I don’t know what it was but it made me feel strange. They continued to inject me two more times, and I begged for him to drop me off where he had found me. I don’t know how I did it or what came over me but I opened the door, and jumped out of his car running and stumbling into the dark as fast as I could. A taxi picked me up and I was able to escape. I was panicking and disoriented from the drugs, and felt like I was not myself. I felt myself going crazy and thought about even killing myself from the shame I was feeling. When I went to my friend's apartment, the neighbors helped me out and consoled me after I told them everything that had happened to me. They were there to support and encourage me to feel better. I spent five days in a manic state, healing from what had just happened to me. I prayed to God, asking for nothing bad to happen to me. I thank God for saving my life. I had never tried drugs, it was my first time. Thanks to God, I was liberated from the pain I felt.

I heard about the Jardín de las Mariposas when I was in Tapachula. My friend, who let me stay in her room, had come to Tijuana before me and stayed at the shelter and successfully crossed to the United States. While waiting for my documents from COMAR I began communication with the Jardín and was placed on a waitlist. They said once I arrived in Tijuana, I could go to the shelter and receive assistance if there were free beds. 

Once I got the appropriate documentation from COMAR, I was able to use the little money I had saved up to buy a 72-hours bus ride from Tapachula to Tijuana and started heading North with my friend Naomi, a friend I made in Tapachula. The first few migrant checkpoints were fine. We presented our cards and there was no issue. As we got closer North, past Mexico City, the migrant checkpoints became more informal and precarious. The immigration agents, or I don’t know what they were, asked all of us migrants for money to continue along the route. The migrants that were on the bus with me were familiars. We had all seen each other regularly waiting in lines at the COMAR offices. We all felt afraid and were intimidated by the men. I felt stressed and worried the entire way. Of the 72 hours on the bus, I honestly slept around five hours. I almost fainted from exhaustion but I wasn’t able to sleep. Naomi and I arrived in Tijuana with no money from all the extortion we had experienced along the way. 

When we arrived in Tijuana, my daughters transferred me some money and Naomi and I split a hotel room for the night. While we waited for beds to open up in the Jardín we stayed with Naomi’s friend Susana, who ran a trans safe house for trans girls and sex workers in Tijuana. I was very happy that Susana did not reject me and allowed me to stay with them even though I am not a trans woman. I am thankful for Naomi for advocating for me and Susana for allowing me to stay. Beds weren’t going to open up soon so I started working in a Honduran restaurant to make some money. I was a great employee at the restaurant. I helped them make food and gave them advice on how to improve their menu. They were in love with me! But after three weeks, when I received the call to go to the Jardín I had to let my job go. They were sad to see my leave but were excited that I was going through the legal process of crossing to the United States as an asylum seeker. 

I have been in Jardín for two days now. I miss my daughters every day. We talk through video calls and they have sent me money to help me survive along my journey. We have cried a lot together. They are happy that I am safe now and about to cross the border. At first, it was really hard for them but now they are able to breathe, knowing I will be okay. My biggest dream is to buy a home for my daughters and I, and return to be with them. I hope I accomplish this.